Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
