So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
