Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
