you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
