The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
