all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
