I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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