Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
