He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
