last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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