Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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