I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
