Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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