apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
