Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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