i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
