Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I have feelings that need drinking.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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