hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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