What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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