is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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