My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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