The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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