Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
