please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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