wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
