Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
