the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
