wat bout pragnant strippers??
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
