Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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