I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
