Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
