at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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