return my video game
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
