tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
