Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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