so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
