Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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