Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
