i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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