You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
