Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
