yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
FUCK WHALES
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
