I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I love how my cats smell like pot.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
