We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
