everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Randomize
