Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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