I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
