Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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