My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I didn't notice because vodka
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
