I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
